|Posted on June 17, 2016 at 12:40 AM|
Many of my couples come into counseling feeling a disconnection from their partner, This disconnection many times revolves around continuous conflicts. This may manifest itself as arguing over a porn addiction, communication issues, affairs, the silent treatment etc.. So, what’s going on? Why all this conflict?
As a therapist, my challenge is to de-escalate the conflict, which includes many negative cycles of interacting. At the same time, I help to facilitate constructing a secure attachment bond. A secure attachment helps to create safety in the relationship. It's where couples really feel their partner is their anchor in the storm of life.
You may wonder what a negative cycle is, and why it leads to continuous conflicts in the relationship. Some negative cycles begin when a couple is transitioning from one phase of life to another. Such as adjusting to parenthood, or one partner getting a promotion at work. Many times a job loss brings new or old problems to the surface.
In any of these circumstances couples begin to blame each other for their problems. The stress of adjustment leads to insecurities. A new way of defining their life and the relationship serves to comfort and contain anxieties if a mutual understanding is developed.
Counseling can help couples redefine their relationship and the adjustment to change. This process gives added meaning to their relationship. Without an agreement on the definition of their life together, misunderstandings can develop and intensify the conflict. This further leads to an increase in stress and anxiety. The change in each partners behavior, due to the misunderstanding, then leads to an increase in stress and anxiety, which manifests into further misunderstanding, This then leadis to anger and frustration. The partners in the couple then begin to wonder why they married their partner.
This cycles continues and can be interrupted through counseling. As stated earlier, a secure attachment helps to create safety in the relationship. When each partner feels the emotional support of their mate, these life challenges are easier to work through, and the conflict is managed by increasing the safety and security in the relationship which in turn softens the communication decreasing defensiveness.
Call me NOW to make an appointment 949-285-5199.
I have helped many couples and I would love to help you.
Dr.Marie Kerns PsyD, LMFT
4199 Campus Drive, Suite 550 Irvine CA 92612
Categories: Irvine Counselor